Author Topic: Alone in a Crowd (original composition)  (Read 250 times)

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Offline john256

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Alone in a Crowd (original composition)
« on: August 02, 2017, 01:42:11 pm »
I write this a while ago; my first song-writing attempt. It came about hinged around that weird chord sequence Dm, A, Em, Bm - it's constantly swinging between 2 keys if my theory is correct. And then I just love the Cmaj7

https://soundcloud.com/mister_boy/alone-in-a-crowd

I submitted it in the performance contest for July. It's not a complete recording - ideally there would be some electric guitar and better bass playing (I am just learning bass) - but I'm fairly happy with it.

I've been playing guitar for ages but always thought I couldn't sing, so about 2 years ago I started having vocal lessons. Finally reached the point I'm not too ashamed of people hearing my singing ;)

Anyway I figured some more serious critique might be nice. It's not a jolly song though I warn you... quite dark and tortured.

Offline davidvac

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Re: Alone in a Crowd (original composition)
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2017, 11:33:43 am »
Hi John

This is a really good offering (IMHO). I saw some of the feedback you got in the competition thread so I hope that this will complement that.

This is a really downbeat song (I'm thinking Leonard Cohen on a rough day!) and the chord progression and rhythm does a good job of bringing that across. As you say, it's a really interesting progression. You seem to have thought that through carefully, and I'm guessing that some of the phrasing was quite difficult to work out. The Intro in particular does a good job of setting up the song and getting us into the emotional space.

In V1, the crescendo towards the end is good as it builds tension towards the chorus - I think there is a bit of tonality issue at the end of the verse so it might be worth redoing the vocals on that bit.

I like the way that the bass line supports and feeds through to the lead. Justin has pointed out that there are a couple of places where the timing is slightly off. Also, the strum pattern confused me at around 1:50.

In chorus 1, the third line didn't quite work for me:
I’m lonely in a crowded place
Nobody sees the pain that’s in my gaze
I don’t let the tears run down my face
But my heart is weeping
I’m lonely in a crowd


The place-face rhyme jars a bit and releases too much tension for me and I'm wondering if you were to use the end of line 2 to rhyme with crowd, thus creating more tension to resolve in the final line, how this might work.

Hope these comments are helpful - I'd really like to say that I think you've done a great job here and although I felt like slashing my wrists at the end - I felt your pain! 8)

Best wishes for the next one - I look forward to hearing more.

David
Martin LX1E, TC-Helicon Play Acoustic, Laney AH4x4, Focusrite iDock

 

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