Author Topic: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?  (Read 2481 times)

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Offline Tomgudge123

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Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« on: December 30, 2014, 11:42:12 pm »
Hi everyone! This is my first venture out of the 'General Questions' section... how very exciting!

Well, for me at least. It wont be for you once you read my lyrics and fall asleep half way through, due to complete, unrelenting boredom (or maybe it isn't that bad?)  :D

Anyway, to the point. I started learning guitar about 10 months ago and I've started trying to write some lyrics here and there, on and off for about the last 3 - 4 months. I feel like I'm progressing a bit, but its certainly trickier than I ever imagined. I'd love it for you people to give me feedback on these lyrics. If you've got any tips or suggestions that'd be great. And be honest. I am a very hard person to offend, so please say exactly what you think, and feel free to point out any weak points. I havent thought up any tune or chords yet.

Here goes:

Verse:
It's not only you
Who feels deep inside
That something is missing
With no place to hide

Verse:
Like an old fruit
It crumbles and falls
To fears and jeers
And Hellcat calls.

Chorus:
But its not new, that falling feeling
Every year must have its Autumn
A new seed must always be sown
To be like the one that brought them

Verse:
You can hide away
And bury your head
Forget it all
And put it to bed

Verse:
You may feel
That it's not right
Thats it's not fair
To have this plight

Chorus
But be thankful for your place
In the wheeling journey of the ages
Don't throw away whats given you
In the midst of turning pages.


Offline LievenDV

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2014, 12:22:09 am »
this isn't bad at all!

You kept t simple but you dind't fall for too much of the clichés.
you have some obvious lyrcs and some more cryptic.
it isn't too complex... I think lyrics of this calibre are capable of "clicking" with various types of music.
Even electro! :)

you differing chorus is interesting in the end; you might want to do the regular one first, followed by the repetition of the chorus but with the other lyric.
I also like the "advice"/storytelling the the choruses specifically, especially the last one.
reminds me a bit like the "piece of good advice " Radiohead gives you at the end of Street Spirit ("immerse your soul with love" or something like that).

Are you into early Radiohead btw? I think that, if you didn't already, you'll get some good inspiration out of their lyrics.

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Offline mike42

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2014, 01:04:02 am »
Hi Tom,

I thought it was a good effort. I agree with LievenDV about the choruses and doing the regular one right before the one with alternate lyrics.

I like the lyrics in the choruses. Rhyming 'Autumn' and 'brought them' is clever, and I think that chorus will flow well into the next verses. I also like how you used 'FALLing feeling' and then 'Autumn' back to back. I didn't notice it the first time through, but that's clever!

The second one is also good. You avoid using common clichés and still get the point across in a unique way.

The verses are a good start. There are a few things I might tweak, but if you're trying to turn it into a song it all depends on the chords, rhythm and melody. It's good that you kept them fairly simple so you can alter things later on to fit the music (if you need to).

Overall, nice job and I'm looking forward to hearing them with music and melody at some point!

Offline Tomgudge123

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2014, 11:13:27 am »
Thanks for the feedback both!

I'm glad you liked it. I will take your advice on repeating the first chorus before throwing in the different one at the end. Hopefully that'll give it better structure.

About Radiohead: Their music has never really clicked with me, but I will take a look at their early lyrics as I'm always interested to learn.

About tweaking the verses: You're right. I think I'd tweak the second 2 verses as Im not entirely happy with them (im not sure if Im imagining or not, but I think there is a slight change in meter between the first 2 and second 2 verses).

Thanks again for the feedback, its much appreciated.

Offline Setneck Tele USA

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2014, 02:38:50 pm »
very good.  Since you ask for advice I will give it.  Since I don't know the melody it's hard to tell how it totally flows, but I would try to take the last Chorus and make a bridge out of it and then repeat the first chorus.  By not having a repeating chorus and something that ties and bundles it together I got lost on the last chorus.

I know a rule of song writing is to try and have a bridge, but it's not always necessary, but on some songs it does help pull it all together and break up the mundane.


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Offline Tomgudge123

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2014, 04:23:26 pm »
Thanks SetNeck Tele USA.

I had thought about doing a bridge, but its not a concept I have actually tried yet. I will look into that, sounds like a good idea and will probably give a little more variety.

Offline Setneck Tele USA

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2014, 06:06:38 pm »
Bridges are difficult for me, especially when I'm trying to include one.  Sometimes I'll change up the chorus while keeping the same theme.  I have a song where the first chorus goes.

He was praying to Jesus for his daddy, who he lost when he was young,
And his momma God rest her soul, lived to be ninety one.
He was praying to Jesus and cussing the devil and trying to make sense of it all
But he never will, but he keeps trying

The second chorus

He was praying to Jesus for his buddies, who never came back from war
And the ones who did and didn't understand, what they were fighting for
He was praying to Jesus and cussing the devil and trying to make sense of it all
And he never did, but he kept trying

That song actually has a bridge though. I had to change that up some because I wrote it for a buddy when he was alive, but he was killed in a car accident last year.

You get the picture.

You are humming right along though, keep at it you're doing good.  Song writing has been a passion of mine since I was a kid.  Some are good, and some are garbage ;D

(I've always been kinda skeptical about posting songs on the internet myself, I was plagiarized once, but I let it go because they only plagiarized the chorus, word for word I might add, and it wasn't a huge hit)

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Offline Tomgudge123

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2015, 08:37:35 pm »
I know what you mean about the good and bad songs. I just keep writing whether they turn out awful or not, it all seems to limber the mind up and makes songwriting easier down the line. Thats what Ive found so far anyway. Sometimes I just write complete nonsense lyrics. Partly to amuse myself and partly to just get extra practice.  And thank you for the compliment, I'll keep at it!

I had thought about being plagiarized. If I wrote what I thought was a really good song I probably wouldn't put it on the internet. But as far as I can see my stuff isnt good enough to be plagiarized yet, so I don't think theres any risk there  ;D

Offline mike42

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2015, 12:12:19 am »
I don't know the specifics surrounding plagiarism laws, but it seems that if you post your song or lyrics on here and then a hit song comes out next year using the exact same words, you would have a pretty decent case as you essentially published your work online when you made your post.

I'm sure there are a lot of little loopholes and such, and if you are really concerned then you could always go get it officially copyrighted before posting it online. And if someone does rip you off, there has to be a good lawyer somewhere on the forum that could help you out  ;)

Offline BadOmega

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2015, 07:24:51 pm »
The four lines to a stanza abcb rhyme structure always seems a bit stilted to me. Maybe it's because you've got all these squares marching down the page. It may be fine once there's music to it but I think if you look up some lyrics of your favorite songs you'll find their structures are a bit looser.

The 'right' and 'plight' rhyme feels forced to me. Maybe an almost rhyme there instead?

Also, the 'always' in the line 'A new seed must always be sown,' feels like it's going to be in the way. Again, without a melody it's hard to say.

You have some good imagery and this seems to come from a true place. I liked it all in all.

Offline Tomgudge123

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2015, 07:10:48 pm »
@mike42

Ah ok, thanks for that, I probably still wouldn't take the risk, but good to know.

@BadOmega

You're right, and funnily enough that is exactly what I was thinking a couple of days ago when I decided to look at some of the lyrics of my favourite songs in written format, in order to learn something of their method of writing. I noticed that many of the lyrics, if not all, did not read well as a poem, but are exceptional as songs. This was one of my first attempts at writing a song, a couple of months ago now, and I think it just came out as a poem, rather than song. Probably partly because I'm still a beginner at guitar so it was too removed from the music to work. Also, thanks for the tips on the rhyme and meter. The last thing I want is for it to sound amateurish.

More recently I've been trying to write more loose and fluid lyrics, which hopefully will leave more room for expression. I've especially tried writing some non-rhyming lyrics. That seems more challenging, but its slowly coming.

Thanks for the feedback!

Offline mike42

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2015, 10:07:22 pm »
One thing that I've found helpful is to either come up with the music first, or write the music and lyrics at the same time. I used to write all the lyrics first, but I find it very difficult to fit music to a full set of lyrics. These days, I usually write the music and lyrics simultaneously. I'll either come up with 1-2 lines of lyric or a riff/chord progression, and then go back and forth between words and music and slowly build the song up.

I also have quite a few poems written, and I'll sometimes take a few lines from a poem (or just the general idea of the poem) and use that as the basis for a song. Since I don't always have a guitar handy, sometimes I have to stick with just writing a poem.

Lastly, if you really want to develop your writing skills I suggest you write as much as possible. I've probably written at least 150 poems/lyrics, some finished and some just a few lines, and most of them aren't very good. But I think the only way to get good is to really work at it, study great songwriters and their techniques, and write as much as possible.

Even great songwriters say that they write a lot of bad songs before hitting on something great, so don't worry about sounding 'amateurish' because you probably will a lot of the time. But that's how it goes, and with practice your writing will improve. It sounds like you're on the right track, so keep up the good work!

Offline Tomgudge123

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2015, 12:08:38 am »
Thanks Mike. That is something I have struggled with. I write what I think is a reasonably good song, and then I just can't seem to fit music to it. I partly blame my lack of guitar playing ability, but its also partly due to the reasons you mentioned. I will try combining the two a bit more. You're definitely right about the 'keep writing' thing. I've only been doing this for a short while, but I've seen a massive improvement on my first material simply by keeping at it all the time. I've still got a long way to go, but its always nice to see progress in action. Sometimes I take a break if its just not coming, but generally I try to write everyday, sometimes only a verse, or phrase that I save for later. I've also found that even if you write a terrible song, there might be just one good little lyric or idea in there that you can steal for a later, better song. Thanks for the advice. Its not always as easy as one might think to get an answer to these sorts of things on the internet, so its much appreciated.

Offline mike42

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2015, 12:25:51 am »
No problem, glad I could help. Just write when you can, don't force it too much, and even if it's just a phrase or idea it may spark another song down the road. For example, I had a 'partial' poem, like 8 lines, that I wrote probably 5-6 years ago and never finished. A couple months ago I was looking for some inspiration, found that little poem, ran with the idea and it's now nearly a complete song.

Also, I recommend keeping all of your writing and putting a date on everything. It can be helpful to look back and see your progress over a long period of time. I didn't start putting dates on things until a couple years ago, but I wish I would have when I started because it'd give me a better sense of how I progressed the past several years.

Offline Tomgudge123

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Re: Some lyrics I wrote - What do you think?
« Reply #14 on: January 05, 2015, 10:26:47 am »
I certainly shall start putting dates on things now, it will no doubt be interesting to look at it all it a few years or more to see the progress.

 

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