Author Topic: Some Lyrics I wrote.  (Read 1197 times)

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Offline TheCasual

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Some Lyrics I wrote.
« on: January 07, 2014, 11:54:38 pm »
These are some lyrics I wrote about 18 months about the way things going on in my life.

Roll a dice, toss a coin I'm a lover not your fighter. In the dark shade of night you're a juggernaut of feelings that I can't fight.

I fought the law, but I'm winning the war.
I fought the law, but I'm winning the war.

I believed you when said it was blue, but really its red. Its all black and white now, in the dark shade of night but in the morning it seemed alright, but you still gave me a fright.

I fought the law, but im winning the war
I fought the law, but im winning the war

The birds Peck at the Juggernaut wreck in my head. You made me feel like I needed some meds. But in reality im just out my head.

I fought the law, but I'm winning the war
I fought the law, but I'm winning the war

Its all over, but ill just have to move over. Like chalk on the cliffs of Dover. In the end I'll listen to the Roses, but itll all end up like moses not the bed of roses I feel.
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Offline LievenDV

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Re: Some Lyrics I wrote.
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2014, 12:55:42 pm »
Some random remarks, without getting too philosophical:

*I can't help it singing "I faught the law but the law won" :)

The simplicity and repetition will make this a very catchy song; structure wise; I think you are on the right track. Not sure how you will cut up lines here and there though

*Its all over, but ill just have to move over. Like chalk on the cliffs of Dover
that's a rhyme to make it rhyme; it sounds silly

*In the end I'll listen to the Roses, but itll all end up like moses not the bed of roses I feel.
That's more of a rap lyric, where it is common to use the same words again and to create a cascade or rhymes in the same line

*the double use of the word "juggernaut" bothers me

*I like the bird pekking the wood of that ship part. that was fresh :)

*The color methaphor is a bit overdone; perhaps it works better if you take it a part and put one half in the beginnign of the song and the other part more at the end; than you have your analogy and a "beginning - end" circle in your song for the price of one.


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Offline mike42

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Re: Some Lyrics I wrote.
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2014, 08:44:56 pm »
I also immediately started singing "I fought the law, and the law won"  :P

I agree with everything LievenDV said. Also, the line "You made me feel like I needed some meds" sounds a little bit awkward to me. It seems too literal given the imagery you are using in other parts. Something like "You made me feel like I'm falling from the ledge. But in reality I'm out of my head" sounds like it would fit the context better and still convey the same meaning. Just an idea.

Also, it does seem like a few of the lines were just thrown in because they rhymed. I do this a lot when I get stuck, but it's important to try and go back and rewrite those parts to ensure every line is adding something to the overall message of the song and isn't just there because it rhymes.

I do really like the first verse you have. It's got a cool feel to it and it's pretty unique, not too cliche or anything (although cliche can be cool when there's a catchy melody to go along with it!)

I think with a some more work you will have a pretty cool song!

Offline PattheBunny

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Re: Some Lyrics I wrote.
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2014, 11:14:01 pm »

Roll a dice, toss a coin I'm a lover not your fighter. In the dark shade of night   you're a juggernaut of feelings that I can't fight.

I fought the law, but I'm winning the war.
I fought the law, but I'm winning the war.

I believed you when said it was blue, but really its red. Its all black and white now, in the dark shade of night but in the morning it seemed alright, but you still gave me a fright.

I fought the law, but im winning the war
I fought the law, but im winning the war

The birds Peck at the Juggernaut wreck in my head. You made me feel like I needed some meds. But in reality im just out my head.

I fought the law, but I'm winning the war
I fought the law, but I'm winning the war

Its all over, but ill just have to move over. Like chalk on the cliffs of Dover. In the end I'll listen to the Roses, but itll all end up like moses not the bed of roses I feel.

Well the first thing you say is "I'm a lover not your fighter," and much of the rest of the song -- the chorus in particular --  is about a fight.  So I don't think the chorus works.  The most interesting parts of the song?   

The birds peck at the juggernaut wreck in my head. 

Also, 

You made me feel like I needed some meds.
   
I also like the image of chalk on the cliffs of dover and ending up like Moses.

I see the psychological unravelling of the narrator as much more interesting than any other part of this, in other words.  But I don't get an overall feel for the point of view of the narrator or the person he's singing to.

If it were mine to work with?  I'd take the whole thing off point.  As I remind myself over and over again, just because it happened doesn't mean it's going to make it into a song the way it happened.    Try to turn it into a story and use your roses as a metaphor for everything that people don't agree on when they are looking at the same thing, which in this case, is the relationship.   Something more like:



We don't see the same, unless we're in bed
Birds in a juggernaut peck at my head
chalk on the cliffs,  can't fight what you said
You calll them blue, but these roses are red.

Can't fight about this,  can't believe what you said
You call them blue, but these roses are red


I know, it sounds a little country... Ah well.

I'm using your words to jump off from. I'm putting down the first idea I came up with, even though I don't think it's great.   Good ideas come if you don't inhibit the flow of ideas, and that means you aren't afraid of poor ones or try to edit them when you are in the creative process.  You do that later, when you are editing.

What I am intended to offer is  the idea that you can do much more than find a different rhyme. You can take your ideas and move them all over the place.  If you want to use a very used metaphor like roses, put it in a new context and get specific.  Which is what I've tried to do. 

Also, I can't tell you how common it is to have to kill your favorite part in a song because in the end it's too strong or can't be fit in without compromising everything else.   Well, you don't kill it, you put it back into the big book of ideas until you can find a way for it to work.   

Also, for my money, lyrics aren't a song.   Until you have music, you won't know what works and what doesn't.    It rarely works to stuff lyrics into a song structure like sausage.   There is a back and forth between them altho nothing wrong with starting with words.

There are so many ways to work on a song and its lyrics.  Mine tends to be storytelling.  But it's only one way.  Good luck with this. 

Pat[
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Offline mumbles

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Re: Some Lyrics I wrote.
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2014, 04:29:58 pm »
Strikes me as more a collection of ideas than a song. I agree with Lieven about the Cliffs of Dover/move over line. If you're referring to how the cliffs are steadily crumbling away, you need a better context for the line, otherwise it sounds like rhyme for rhyme's sake.

You could do with working out a bar count and making sure that the meter works. It will save trying to rewrite extensively when trying to develop a tune. I wouldn't worry too much about the 'I fought the law' point. You've put your own twist on it. There are a couple more 'familiar' phrases that would benefit from the same treatment.

Reads fairly rhythmically but gets a little disjointed at times. That might be something to address when writing the music.

Are you intending to perform this yourself or tout it to publishers or put it into a competition?

Offline TheCasual

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Re: Some Lyrics I wrote.
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2014, 07:45:30 pm »
Thanks for the input people.

I know its quite rambley, I wasn't in the best place when I wrote it.

I won't singing it. I have no interest in singing.
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Started the guitar journey 10th Janaury 2013.

 

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