Have a few songs

[mehblues]

Good day, I have dabbled a bit in writing things that often appear to me as a song?  Honestly I don't often write it that way (as a song) just seems natural to rhyme (and sometimes not) things together.  Would like others opinions of what they think?  Although I do again dabble a bit with the guitar I am by no way a believer I could come up with a chord progression that would do this justice.  (Not that I'm fishing for help in this area)  more just a thought, critic (I can take criticism so don't be afraid to let me have it! of what you think.  Appreciate feedback from all Novices like my self to the weekend gig'er (if that's a word) to the Semi and/or Professionals whom mightt read this post. Hey Justin that includes you if you can fit it into your busy schedule.  Thanks if you can and Thanks for even taking the time to rad this mess.  Here are the words:

Been hanging around this place to long
Seen so many people come & go
Feel like the picture hanging on the wall
Maybe it’s time I moved on
I’m feel’n the same color as the blue on the wall
As it peels away piece by piece
I’m beginning to think there’s no way out
Maybe it’s time I moved on
(Chorus)
Tell me mister have you found a way
Back to the place from before
Tell me mister is there a secret code
To get through the keeper’s door
Tell me mister what’s it take
30 pieces of gold
All I want is to fix the mistake
To find a way… so I can move on

I’ve seen the writing on the wall
As it disappears from sight
Maybe it’s a clue… maybe it’s a sign
Maybe it’s time I moved on
Am I destined to fade into the black
Like so many who have before
Will I figure it out before it’s too late
Maybe it’s time I moved on
 
(Repeat Chorus)

I’ve been following the map left behind
On top of the coffee stained spot
It circles me back to where I began
Maybe it’s time I moved on
The ringer on the phone has become silent
The meetings are all the same
My body is here… but my mind is gone
Maybe it’s time I moved on

(Repeat Chorus)

Time is rusting around me
As the blue keeps on peeling away
And the light in my world keeps dimming
Maybe it’s time I moved on
The clock on wall tells the story
Of years that have slipped away
Is it answering the question of the ages
Maybe it’s time I moved on…
   Maybe the times come & gone…
      Maybe….I’ll…never…move

Thanks for the thoughts

[digger72]

Hi mehblues,

I think there are some nice lines and imagery in the lyrics; each verse creates a certain tension

Really like the line; "Time is rusting around me."

The chorus reads well, though it could just as easy be a verse - it would really depend how it was performed.  That's where a hook needs to be, so perhaps emphasis on the "Tell me mister..." parts?

Perhaps something to reveal why the person feels trapped or perhaps what the mistake was could be put in the lyrics somewhere, but i wouldn't say it was essential - just that some folks like a full story. I like the idea of someone feeling trapped by their errors - the listener can attach their own reasons. Often my lyrics only seem to mean something to me, so what can i say?

I'd try and put it to music. Have you written anything before that we can hear?

Cheers,

Digger

[mehblues]

Thanks Digger for the input I had thought of putting in a/or a reason for a mistake but as I was writing this I thought "a mistake" as you stated could be one of your own imagination or crux.  I have been told I need to include a hook and really seem to write more in verse and often forget or don't think about a hook as per say maybe thinking the chorus is the hook?  I have written a bunch of stuff and only one thing I know of that has been recorded by a friend of mine (gave him some lyrics) who has a band (punk rock I believe he calls it) but I don''t have a recoding of it maybe I can ask him to send one to me.  I can send you the lyrics I wrote that I gave him let me know how to get them to you?  Again I'm new here and haven't mastered setting up a PM or how to contact others without being in the forum.  Again Thanks for the input hope to speak again. 

[mike42]

Hi there mehblues,

I think you've got a good start there. I know a very common way people approach songwriting is to start out with the music and then put lyrics/melody over that. But I haven't had much luck with that approach so I tend to try and get the lyrics first and then figure out a chord progression or melody that fits. When I write something I usually have the music in my mind as I write and then I try to 'get it out' of the guitar. It's not easy but the more I do it the easier it becomes.

One thing that strikes me with your piece is the repetition of "maybe it's time I moved on". If it were my song I might use that line as the hook/chorus part. If you were to change up the verses and structure them more like this:


Been hanging around this place too long
Seen so many people come & go
Feel like the picture hanging on the wall

I’m feel’n the same color as the blue on the wall
As it peels away piece by piece
I’m beginning to think there’s no way out

Maybe it’s time I moved on
Maybe it’s time I moved on


Then you just need to come up with a good melody for the "Maybe it’s time I moved on" lines and that could be a cool hook that you keep coming back to. And the chorus you have written seems to me like it would be a good bridge. You could put that right before the last verse and change up the chords, and then the last verse is sort of a resolution to the whole thing.

That's just how I see things and I thought I'd give you my perspective on a possible way to go about it. But obviously songwriting is a personal thing and everyone has different ideas on things and there's no real set of 'rules' that you have to follow.

Hopefully this will help spark an idea on where to go next, and I agree with digger that the next step is trying to put it to music. Try to come up with a simple chord progression that will fit the song and then build from there.

[mehblues]

Good day Mike42,
Appreciate the input  I see what your saying with the changes I'll look at it and see how it fits. Looks good from the initial view. 

I always seem to write the lyrics first as you say and do have a thought of a tune in my head seems easier to me to write then to try and play it out (stems from having little confidence in my playing ability).  Maybe trying a simple chord progression is the key.  I'll give it a whirl. 

Yeah writing is always a personal thing and the ideas often are personal in nature sometimes I have a thought or see something that strikes me and I feel the need to write it out.  Crazy how this happens.

I do agree with Digger and appreciate y'alls input. 

Again thanks for the look and helpful information.  Hopefully I'll let y'all know how it comes out going to attempt a simple progression and look at some changes. 

mehblues

[LievenDV]

Not bad writing at all; it's not too literal.

It's a long song...I think you have two rudimental options:
Start scrapping a lot of lines and repeating some lines for "hooks"

or

you go "grand storytelling" and make it into a real opus as your text is now.
But then you need more  evolution though.

I know that the song is about the blues of being in one spot too long but I need the mind of the character to be more dynamic, erratically reaching out, swining elbows around him.
That way the dissonance of the physical and mental brings a bit more tension and friction

You are describing the same state  the whole song.
There is no storyline of what brought the main character to that point nor is there an evolution of what happens in the present or perhaps future. Was he always like this? was it nicer before? a contrast could empowerboth the before and after.

The listeners hope arise when you mention a map but no mental quest follows.
It even feelsl ike the main character doesn't even leave the room, not even with his mind.

- what brought him there? what is the evolution of before, now and the path in between?
- what does the character do now to turn it around? Besides time ticking on, wjhat happens around him. If he doesn't change, what changes in his surroundings?

If you really want the whole bottom line being mentally and perhaps phisically immobile..the song could behave itself like maelstrom in a glass of water. The song begins wild, chatoic, almost out of control but still with a certain pattern..while it slows and clams down in a serene fashion untill it goes slow, silent and stops. It would be a fresh approach as most songs work the other way around

you might conclude out of this little essay that I think your writing style is ok but that the song itself is too much of the same.

[mehblues]

I understand what your saying LievenDV I beagn this song from 2 perspectives one being what is going on in the persons mind his/her personal struggle with his/her demons. Not being able to move on stuck in their own thoughts.  And from the perspective of being in a job that promised growth and travel that never paned out and now realise he is stuck.  I see where it would benifit from a story line more of a lead in to theh middle and then the end (not a reference to Alice and Wonderland). I'll give it a go and take hard look at yoru's and others comments.  Thanks for the input it is helpful  and as my pop's used to tell me "to get somewhere one has to reach out to others at ties to reach a destanation"

Thanks again.  let you knnow when I've re-worked it.

[mike42]

I'm looking forward to seeing/hearing the revised version of this song!

Just one more thing I thought I could add. I posted some lyrics on here quite a ways back and it was sort of similar to your situation. The 'song' was just a poem at that point and didn't have any music, like yours is now. It was also way too long and didn't really tell a story. The advice I got from everyone on the forum was that if you are going to write a really long song with lots of lyrics it usually needs a storyline or plot that the listener can follow or they will get bored. So the two options were basically to either shorten it up a lot or rewrite it so that it tells a story.

I've found that rewriting things is the most difficult part for me. I get really hung up on certain parts and I don't really want to change them, so most of the time I just write something, put it away and never revisit it later. My advice is to try to be open to changing things or even completely redoing a song if it doesn't end up working out the way you wanted it to. I've been working on that a lot more lately and it has been a big help for me as a writer, so that's something to consider.

And now that I think about it, I really need to revisit that song and try to get it finished!