Author Topic: a Magical Note  (Read 2270 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

8jjr

  • Guest
a Magical Note
« on: January 16, 2011, 12:08:45 am »
a Magical note

I was on the road less traveled
When I heard a lonely sound
I was completely baffled
And it took me to the ground

It was a kind of song
I heard it play
Listening felt wrong
But I couldn’t turn away


This one lonely note
Turned into a chord
The lyric that she wrote
Pierced my heart like a sword
most try to resist the song

by closing their mind

this is where it all goes wrong

where the soul is left behind

I followed the music
And On a cliff up above
A silouhette of a chick
And I fell in love

the trees began to sing

the water did its dance

it was the start of spring

time for new romance


she was there it was dark

her beauty made it bright

then there was a spark

it was love at first sight

By: Jesse Reitberger

Offline LievenDV

  • Administrator
  • All Time Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 7494
  • Good Vibes 154
    • Point Fifty
Re: a Magical Note
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2011, 10:05:44 am »
quite nice actually!

the first 3 verses remind me of the first 2 verses of "hallelujah" by jeff buckley

small remark:
don't force rhymes... not everything MUST rhyme; you're not obliged..

example:
"I followed the music
And On a cliff up above
A silouhette of a chick
And I fell in love"

you used the word "chick" used to make it rhyme on "music" but the word falls out of the general context of your song
"chick" sounds so wrong in this whole song :)   

you're pretty skilled in the rhyming but the extra would be that you create parts where it doesn't rhyme but still fits.
my band: fb: Point Fifty | Instagram: Point Fifty

Offline TB-AV

  • Honorable Ex-Mod
  • All Time Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 14966
  • Good Vibes 329
Re: a Magical Note
« Reply #2 on: January 16, 2011, 06:26:46 pm »
Quote
I followed the music
And On a cliff up above
A silouhette of a chick
And I fell in love


I followed the music
And On a cliff up above
A silouhette, ...paradisic
And I fell in love



Gone

Offline PattheBunny

  • Stadium Superstar
  • ******
  • Posts: 1297
  • Good Vibes 84
Re: a Magical Note
« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2011, 08:42:59 pm »
I am no expert in songwriting but I do have some observations.  Forgive the length of this, I come from the world of story analysis and can't help but bring some of my old habits to bear.  Maybe useful, maybe not...

"most try to resist the song

by closing their mind

this is where it all goes wrong

where the soul is left behind"

This is where I find the song most interesting, where I am told that this is dangerous territory, both to keep listening or to turn away.  And so when the singer goes forward I expect risk and reward both.

Now.  I think that there is a way of writing where the author allows the audience close the thought, come to a conclusion of their own, and thus involve them in the story being told.


For instance, when Elvis Costello talks about the sadness of having seen an old flame and say "my aim is true," he is saying "I loved you, I love you, I could have loved you. I will not love you because it would hurt you more. "  Because the openness of the idea of love as something to be fired like an arrow or a bullet is so rich and because he uses the present tense and could be speaking about his character or this moment.  The listener can come to many conclusions that hold with the song and it gives the piece great impact.  What he doesn't say is "I hurt you."

The lines in particular I would open up may be ones you quite like.  I apologize in advance.  "Pierced my heart" is lovely, but do you need to say "like a sword" or can you open this up to describe the sort of wound, painful or thrilling or ringing or....?   not this but "pierced my heart, a deep embrace"  How did the wound occur?  What did if feel like?  How does this reflect the consequences of the risk the singer took in a way that is powerful and also shows it was the right risk?  This is a transformational moment.

The reward is the girl.  The muse.  The beauty that can only be beheld if you take a risk, right?

Instead of the sillouette of the chick, think of a gesture, the nature of the vision, the uncertainty of what he is seeing "a turn in grace setting free"  If you can paint a word picture of the girl rather than say that you fell in love, you will let the listener fall in love instead of being told as an outsider what happened.   Is she dark, or iight, or graceful?  A little frightening in her beauty? Or does she offer a safe embrace?   What is she doing?  Can you describe it and imply beauty that way?

If you can the right words that imply "fell in love,"  not this, (you gotta put out bad ideas to get good ones)  but "like a silver dove" I think it might be worth trying.

Again, I am new to this world and so my ideas might be all off when it comes to the conventions of the genre and particularly the genre of this song.  Where I will stand committed is that in many cases it is better to come at things indirectly and let your audience have some part in the experience the singer is having but letting them come to a conclusion.  

Also, I would find the strongest line verse by verse find the central idea, not words, and rhyme around that and let everything else go if I had to.  Wait until I start writing songs.  I will probably eat my words.

Good luck.


Pat



Realism is relative.

8jjr

  • Guest
Re: a Magical Note
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2011, 08:47:36 pm »
ya that phrase was kind of forced i felt

i looked at it again and i came up with


I followed the music
And On a cliff up above
a silhouette, so beautiful
And I fell in love

or

I followed the music
and on a cliff up above
my heart beat became quick
and i fell in love

 

Get The Forum As A Mobile App